swipe swipe SNAP!

I love Christmas.  For me, the mention of Christmas conjures up the smell of hot apple cider and fresh Christmas baking around the fireplace, a cold nose from Christmas tree hunting in -35 degree weather, Dutch Blitz and 1000 peice puzzles.  But I know that for some people, Christmas doesn't have all the warm fuzzies attached.  For some people, it's all about dodging the purse-swinging lady on the escalater as you compete for the last Cabbage Patch doll on the shelf.  It's about stretching the limit on your credit card for the grumpy, thankless children who you'd love to send back to school two weeks early.  The spirit of the season could sometimes better be described as stressed out, frazzled, hassled, beleagured... etc.

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Take the gas station cashier as an example.  After putting thirty-and-some litres in my tank last week, I handed my neglected credit card to the man behind the cash register.  (I say neglected because as a student heading back to school, my credit card has spent a lot of time in the wallet and is only invited out for necessary purchases... there's no way I was over my limit.)  The cashier swiped it once.  No luck.  He swiped it twice.  No luck.  He looked at the uncooperative Mastercard with a look of disgust and frustration that would cause even the most heroic credit card to tremble in terror, and snapped the poor card in half.  Then he gave me a conciliatory look and held my traumatized credit card out to me with a hint of uncertainty, "My machine is no good and your card was damaged, so it broke."  Uh... okay.  Merry Christmas?  I couldn't do much except hand over my fearful-for-a-good-reason debit card and hope the Snapper didn't go serial on me.

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I hope your Christmas was a merry one; that you've found a rest stop and pulled out of the rat race.  But if you've reached the end of your sanity and are on the edge of your own personal SNAP! then consider my personal favorite when it comes to de-stressors: find a snowglobe with an idyllic winter scene.  Take it out back.  Pick up your hammer...

And stay away from my credit card.

jenni is...

trying really really really hard to focus.  on finishing paperwork.  and documenting all the shenanigans (yes... shenanigans) that go on at the youth shelter on any given day.  my shift began at 1100... and being a good employee i was here at 1045 (today... yesterday i was not such a good employee and was late).  this is the first moment since 1045 that i have stepped out of crisis mode... taken a deep breath... and reminded myself that it's all going to turn out okay in the end.  (although no doubt okay for some of these kids, isn't what i'd actually call okay).  now i get to tackle the paperwork.  according to my calculations, i spend approximately 3 minutes documenting each minute that i spend in significant interaction with a youth.  [speaking of significant interaction... i would like to mention that one of my fave kids called me G today.  it's been a long time since someone has called me G.  made my heart warm inside.]  back on track after a minor rabbit trail.  so by my calculations, i should finish paperwork right around 2300... which is when my shift ends.  that is... if the kids stay out of crisis mode, and no additional crises (plural) requiring additional documentation occur.

get back to work, G... the day isn't over yet, but your break is.

junkyard Art

If any of you has stared into the abyss that is your own heart, realizing how black, broken, hopeless, and hurting it is, then this is for you.  If you have questioned God's grace for the places of shame and despair that exist in your personal Mess, then your thoughts may mirror what I've written.  Thanks for sharing in this piece of my journey.

my life is messy.

i struggle.

i mess up.

i hurt people.

i get hurt.

i carry my own baggage.

and sometimes the baggage of others.

i'm ugly inside.

if only you knew

every piece of the pie

you'd throw the whole thing back in my face.

so i've carefully divided it up.

entrusted small pieces

of the mess

to a handful of people

to test their response.

trembling inside,

i recoil and withdraw

until i know if their reaction will be rejection.

i'm a mess and i know it.

but they know only a part.

if you knew, would you love me?

if you knew, would you accept me?

if you knew, would you embrace me?

would you call me sister, and friend?

i'm a mess, Lord,

through and through

i surrender to You,

surrender to the hands of the Junkyard Artist.

afraid, reaching, desperate,

hungry for grace,

dreading the moment i reach the bottom

of your ocean called grace...

you know... will you love me?

you know... will you accept me?

you know... will you embrace me?

will you call me daughter and friend?

will you make art of the landfill of Mess in my heart?

i want to know You.

i want to be known.

i want to learn

to love well.

my lamb, I love you,

I accept you,

I call you to Myself as beloved daughter,

as friend.

I embrace you,

hold you near Me,

laugh and cry,

grieve, rejoice with you, child.

you are Mine.

I love you.

May you, as the king of Kings draws you into His arms, find hope and joy in the journey.

can't

can't get online class registration to work.

can't decide why they're doing round 3 on my transcripts to figure out how much credit i actually deserve.

can't deal with the frustration of not knowing... seeing as i'm moving halfway across the country for a school that said they'd give me credit.

can't figure out why the financial aid department hasn't responded to me since october 9th about my bursary.

can't help but wonder why their staff turnover is so high that in my relatively brief career as a potential student at the college, i have been through three directors of admissions, two registrars, two associate registrars, and two admissions counsellors.

can't figure out why i'm letting an afternoon slip away with frivolous worry when i'm sitting by the fireplace in a beautiful chalet, looking out over a foot of fresh powder blanketing the Rocky Mountains.

i can't live like this.

can't truly live life if i choose to live like this.

i choose... to go back to my puzzle. with my friend. to watch the sun set. to call the college tomorrow.