"are you ever afraid of the dark?"

i don't scare easily. but i was afraid tonight. i chewed the fingernail on my middle finger, right hand. my worry finger. sometimes the darkness that i see in the lives of the people i serve overwhelms me. sometimes i am fascinated by the resiliency of people who have been broken and broken and broken, and yet continue to live. sometimes i grieve. sometimes i sit in my car and scream or swear because i have not developed a vocabulary capable of expressing my anger and fear and pain. sometimes i just hurt - and try to numb the stubborn ache that sits clenched deep in my chest. sometimes i am scared. i almost never cry - until later, when i can feel again, and the tears wash the darkness from the windows of my soul.

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Jonah and Jacob lay in their beds, thinking.

"Jacob," asked Jonah across the dimness, "are you ever afraid of the dark?"

"The darkness illuminates our fears," said Jacob.

"How can the darkness be a light?"

"It shows you your fears," said Jacob.

"Then it is a trap!" stated Jonah, sitting up in his bed.

"We are the trap," said Jacob.

"How is that?" asked the boy.

"All of us have caught ourselves being afraid," said Jacob. "All of us, at some point, have taken our fears to bed with us."

~Jacob's Ladder (Noah BenShea)~

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i'm afraid that their darkness will consume my joy. afraid that they'll die in their pain. i'm afraid of loving too much, because then losing them will hurt too much. i fear failing to help. being incapable to help; the moment they discover how impotent and broken i am. afraid because their darkness sometimes closely reflects my own. i'm afraid that my darkness will overcome me. i am afraid of the dark.

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If I say, "Surely the darkness will overwhelm me,

And the light around me will be night,"

Even the darkness is not dark to You,

And the night is as bright as the day.

Darkness and light are alike to You.

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Where can I go from Your Spirit?

Or where can I flee from Your presence?

~Psalm 139:7, 11-12~

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my hope rests on this - not in becoming fearless, but in knowing that the Light of the world goes before me into the dark. and when i catch myself being afraid, and carry my fears to bed with me, i am secure knowing that even "if i make my bed in the depths, You are there... even there Your hand will guide me, Your right hand will hold me fast." and my God won't let me go. not even to chew His middle finger, right hand. i don't think He has a worry finger.