I Am In Control Day

I wrote a post here. Relatively insightful, vulnerable, and honest - even for me. I highlighted it to change the alignment. I hit a key. And it was gone.

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Today is I Am In Control Day.

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But I'm not.

My Del Monte Pineapple Hat

"No one person can wear all the hats all the time. I myself have 12 hats, and each one represents a different personality."

~Unknown; Margaret Atwood~

thirsty for generous grace

If I did not believe that I am, to some extent, responsible to help those who are not willing to help themselves, I would not work where I do. Almost every day, I am faced with any of a dozen variations on the same pattern: . Mary ran away from home because her mom called her a slut. Her mom didn't like the way she was dressed, her makeup and piercings, the fact that she skips school three times a week to smoke up with a few new friends, and the fact that money goes missing out of her purse even though Mary always denies taking it. The fights at home are mostly verbal, although it's not unheard of for either party to fly off the handle and slap or push the other. Mary says she hates her mom's boyfriend and won't go home unless he leaves. Mary's mom says that she's tired of the behaviours, and Mary is not welcome back home until she is willing to change. Mary's dad is out of the picture. Her mom left him six years ago because he tended to become violent when he was drunk, which was often. . John was kicked out of his house after a fight between he and his dad became violent. John says that he won't go home until his dad agrees to go to anger management. John is no longer attending school - he quit three months ago, saying that he hated school because of the bullying. He hangs out downtown with a bunch of guys he met at the shelter (he's been here for a few short stays after previous blow-outs at home). He's been picked up by RCMP a few times for mischief, theft, and has also gotten a few smoking tickets. More recently, he was arrested and charged with assault. One night he returns to the shelter high and staff address it with him. He says, "F*** you all. I'll just leave then." . I am challenged daily to choose to believe that change is possible when it doesn't appear probable. I am challenged to choose to change daily, continuing to grow and mature. If I want to see youth make changes in their lives, I must have influence - I must have a relationship with them. A relationship is only possible if I am respected by them. Respect is granted if I am trusted. And trust? Trust is only offered if I am a trustworthy person - a person of character with integrity. . I choose... ...to believe that change is possible. ...to change so I may inspire change. ...to remember that each one must also choose, and I cannot choose for them. ...to give grace generously out of my experience of grace. . We live in a world thirsty for generous grace. . *The names and stories of "Mary" and "John" are in no way intended to reflect that of any individual youth, and simply reflect some of the components common to the stories of many of the youth I cross paths with.

Philosophy 101

Today deserves a question... painfully thought provoking and convicting if I actually intend to act on the broader implications of my stated belief -

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To what extent am I responsible to inconvenience myself for the benefit of others?

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More questions. Should all my action be directed toward achieving the greatest happiness for the greatest number of people? Am I responsible to help those who are not willing to help themselves? Do I believe that people get what they deserve?

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What motivates me to give? Is it true generosity if, after I have finished giving, I feel impoverished rather than intangibly wealthy? Do my possessions own me? Am I possessed by them?

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Is it better to give than to receive? Why do I find it difficult to receive love from some people?

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No answers today. Only questions. The answers to these questions make me uncomfortable, no matter how I answer them.

"I feel," said Jacob, "like a man who has spent his entire life swimming through a vast body of water. When I was younger and raised my head from my effort, the horizon seemed to forever disappear into the distance. That horizon, before me, no longer grows more distant. It has, in some ways, drawn closer. But what I have discovered is that the water beneath me is deeper than I have ever known."

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"Yes," said Samuel, letting his head drop to his chest. "Life has depths that only time explores."

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"And time," said Jacob, once again beginning to stack the bakery boards, "time does not wait for us to learn every lesson before it moves on to the next."

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-Jacob's Ladder-