five years ago today

Five years ago today...

I lived in the apartment second from the left - Hanshin 206.

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In the middle of the "apartment sea".

Moonjung did the macerana for Yeshu just in front of Baskin Robbins, just kitty-corner from the brick church.

And I watched the cherry blossoms fall from the trees at Yeoido with my friends from Myungsung.

For the life of me, I can't figure out how that photographer got a picture with so few people, because this is what the traffic looked like.

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"Now to Him who is able to do far more abundantly beyond all that we ask or think, according to the power that works within us, to Him be the glory..."

Jacob and Jonah looked at each other over the rim of the cup that held their morning tea. Frost had left webs of crystallized ice in the corners of the windows.

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"Jacob," asked the boy, "is my being in the bakery a burden to everybody?"

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"Who among us is not sometimes a burden to others?" answered Jacob.

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"Even you, Jacob?"

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"Even me," said Jacob.

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~Jacob's Ladder (Noah BenShea)~

am i driven by lust for the summit - the pride of accomplishment - or am i motivated by love for the journey? ~ in His love, He allows the refining fire called difficulty

to ravage our pride. plant the seed of humility in the ashes of knowledge, and wisdom will take root in our souls. ~ wisdom is knowledge refined by love and put into action. ~ ~the south sister 10358 ft ~deschutes river trail and townsends tea shop ~july 2008

"are you ever afraid of the dark?"

i don't scare easily. but i was afraid tonight. i chewed the fingernail on my middle finger, right hand. my worry finger. sometimes the darkness that i see in the lives of the people i serve overwhelms me. sometimes i am fascinated by the resiliency of people who have been broken and broken and broken, and yet continue to live. sometimes i grieve. sometimes i sit in my car and scream or swear because i have not developed a vocabulary capable of expressing my anger and fear and pain. sometimes i just hurt - and try to numb the stubborn ache that sits clenched deep in my chest. sometimes i am scared. i almost never cry - until later, when i can feel again, and the tears wash the darkness from the windows of my soul.

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Jonah and Jacob lay in their beds, thinking.

"Jacob," asked Jonah across the dimness, "are you ever afraid of the dark?"

"The darkness illuminates our fears," said Jacob.

"How can the darkness be a light?"

"It shows you your fears," said Jacob.

"Then it is a trap!" stated Jonah, sitting up in his bed.

"We are the trap," said Jacob.

"How is that?" asked the boy.

"All of us have caught ourselves being afraid," said Jacob. "All of us, at some point, have taken our fears to bed with us."

~Jacob's Ladder (Noah BenShea)~

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i'm afraid that their darkness will consume my joy. afraid that they'll die in their pain. i'm afraid of loving too much, because then losing them will hurt too much. i fear failing to help. being incapable to help; the moment they discover how impotent and broken i am. afraid because their darkness sometimes closely reflects my own. i'm afraid that my darkness will overcome me. i am afraid of the dark.

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If I say, "Surely the darkness will overwhelm me,

And the light around me will be night,"

Even the darkness is not dark to You,

And the night is as bright as the day.

Darkness and light are alike to You.

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Where can I go from Your Spirit?

Or where can I flee from Your presence?

~Psalm 139:7, 11-12~

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my hope rests on this - not in becoming fearless, but in knowing that the Light of the world goes before me into the dark. and when i catch myself being afraid, and carry my fears to bed with me, i am secure knowing that even "if i make my bed in the depths, You are there... even there Your hand will guide me, Your right hand will hold me fast." and my God won't let me go. not even to chew His middle finger, right hand. i don't think He has a worry finger.

are you listening?

"Job, are you listening? Have you noticed all this?"

"Stop in your tracks!" "Take in God's miracle-wonders!"

"Do you have any idea how God does it all? "If you're wise, you'll most certainly worship Him."

-Job 37:14-15, 24 (MSG)-

Jenni is overwhelmed.

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Time Management Tip #1

Try prescheduling when you will work on each project.

Color coordinate and highlight so each area of life is a different color.

Resist the urge to over-schedule your days.

Then git'er done.

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I ran out of highlighter colors.

And I ran out of hours.

Out of energy to get it all done.

And do the simple important things like going out for a run.

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Good tip though. It highlights the small colored box that I most dread opening. And procrastinate. Blog blog. Procrastinate.

juggling

i am a talented circus performer. when i'm busy

i attempt to juggle a dozen flaming torches.

simultaneously.

around the planet called Me.

and drop all the flames when the first one spins out of control.

and the entire planet gets scorched.

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when i'm busy

i am skilled with a scalpel.

juggling a dozen apples.

simultaneously around Me.

my planet Me.

i stop to dissect each apple.

sliced into quarters. or eighths.

because if it won't make the juggling easier.

at least i will better understand each apple.

. i'm delusional, yes.

i'm not the juggler but the ball:

i fly through the air

and cling tight to my marbles.

through cracks in clenched fists

they sneak out one by one.

and slip from my grasp

gravity drags them away.

i fly through the air.

toss. fly. gravity.

catch.

toss. fly. gravity.

catch.

trust.

and trust.

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*Thanks Schberg... stole the pic. I love it!

"You can't get a cup of tea big enough or a book long enough to suit me." ~Clive Staples Lewis~

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Operation Amputation

I was writing an essay today, and after way too many minutes of painstaking word-crafting, paragraph 4 read like this...

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Trustworthy: "Never, even for a moment, forgetting how valuable and vulnerable __________ is, and always treating him/her like that." Though I often fall short of meeting this standard, this is the touchstone by which I strive to measure the quality of my interaction with people. This means that at times, I must surrender what I perceive to be my personal rights, out of respect for the community. I choose to take responsibility for my choices, live above reproach, and respect authority. Above all, I choose to live as a grace-dispenser in a world that is thirsty for generous grace. . Great. Got it. Awesome. But what does that mean when the people you love are making disastrous choices and it’s all you can do to keep yourself from throttling their sorry necks? Or when a hurting friend makes hurtful choices out of the hurt they have experienced, and your first instinct is to justify the pain they inflict on others because of their personal woundedness? What then? . My roommate has been hacking up a lung for days. For several minutes each day, she retreats to her cloister - a tea towel tent over a bowl of steaming water - and serenades us all with the staccato notes of her phlegmy song. After fighting the nasty bugger for a week, she traipsed over to the doctor to get a prescription for antibiotics. Brand new and experimental, these antibiotics really get to the root of the problem by eliminating the source. The lungs. Voila! Problem solved. . Or not. “Instead, speaking the truth in love, we will in all things grow up into Him who is the Head, that is, Christ. From Him the whole Body, joined and held together by every supporting ligament, grows and builds itself up in love, as each part does its work.” . 1. Protect the injured/infected Part. 2. Attack the infection, not the Infected. 3. If you’ve gotta do surgery, cut deep and get the whole darn life-sucking malignancy out at once. 4. Never be ashamed of the scars. They are the memories of battles, whether lost or won. .

Didn't know the hacking was inspiring, did'ja? Get well soon, Chrissy. And if you can help it, don't pass it on to me.

. Quote by: Greg Smalley and Robert S. Paul, The DNA of Relationships for Couples (Wheaton: Tyndale House Publishers, 2006). See also http://www.smalleyonline.com/